Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Almost a year to the day and...

...although much has changed much has NOT!

We found a beautiful house to buy and moved in July only to find the supposedly dry basement flooded.There were also many other things wrong that we only discovered after moving in. Aint moving grand? If we never move again it will be too soon. Regardless by now that has all been taken care of and we have actually started to enjoy the house.

Of corse none of that helped with the ringing. It continues and is as relentless as ever. I have yet to find any kind of remedy and am feeling like I never will. It is something, as I've been told, that I will have to put up with and get used to. How does one do that?


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

another one of those nights...

I am feeling sad and withdrawn tonight.

The ringing of course is relentless.

I ripped my knee up playing hockey and was not able to go on an annual winter get away to a friend's cottage as a result. I can't play hockey right now and must find another way to exercise. Physio. Joy!

I seem to be in the dog house yet again. Not sure why, yet again. Probably my fault too.

Work muddles along in no spectacular fashion at all. I often feel completely inept on the job and don't really feel like I am supported by my employer. That despite knowing that he greatly appreciates what little I am able to do.

Did I say that the ringing is relentless.

My hand is STILL healing form "minor" surgery in September!

Our housing situation is no further along.

Going to bed means putting on that bloody CPAP mask and sleeping with a hose attached to my face. Haven't had an uninterrupted sleep since I go this "gold standard" of treatments for apnoea. There is no joy in bed time now. And all this so that I may live to see another day. Thanks a lot.

I am yet again sitting in front of the computer in my office, alone, whining here, doing nothing. Being sad. Being disappointed by my body - feeling that it is somehow letting me down. Frustrated. Angry. Mostly sad and alone.

And all I can hear is the fucking ringing! It must stop. It all must stop. I deserve to and very much need to be happy. I don't know if I can do that with this fucking ringing 24/7. It must stop.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Life sucks.

Things have felt tough lately and today I had kind of an anxiety attack that threw me for a bit of a loop. Sadly it was a familiar feeling; one that I have not felt for many years. I am not too terribly worried that it is anything but an attach under stress and exhaustion.

Exhaustion. That is what brought me here today to begin with. I have not been sleeping well of late and last night was the worst so far. I woke every two hours or less. I tossed and turned all night and did not feel at all rested when I woke for the last time in the morning. There are many factors at play here the least of which is the blasted CPAP mask and noisy machine. Yes a few months ago I was diagnosed with Constructive Sleep Apnoea. This apnoea apparently deprives my heart of needed oxygen while I am sleeping and has been attributed to all sorts of heart disease. The cure is at times much worse than the ailment, at least before it turns into heart disease. LOL The cure is a mask that covers your nostrils and is attached to a long corrugated hose leading to a machine that pumps humidified air into your nose keeping you breathing and your soft palette from collapsing, thus preventing one from breathing. So yah sleeping with an awful mask attached to your face all night is no picnic and I am having a very hard time getting used to it.

Along with that, of course, is my tinittisis. Other than the physical presence of the mask the wringing is the first thing I am conscious of when waking. It is overwhelming and ever-present and I am really not sure if it is the mask or the tinittis that is waking me. Probably it is a combination of both. As if one of these plights isn't enough! It makes me wonder what the hell I did or who I offended to have this befall me. I wouldn't wish this insidiousness on my very worst enemy. Well okay maybe my very worst. ;-)

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will have slept well. Wish me luck as I dread trying to go to sleep with the fear that I will not - again!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Sadly, not any better

The weather is better but this infernal ringing is not! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate it hate it hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want it to GO AWAY! But it does not and probably never will. Crap!

That's my whine for the day. Thanks for listening. Now back to trying to ignore it.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Really loud

The last number of days the ringing has been really loud. Really present too. Sometimes it can be loud but sort of not so present. Today for example despite how loud I have the radio it is still very noticeable where other times I would not really notice it. It's definitely always there.

Every time I write it or say it out loud and think about it I wonder how I'm not completely crackers! It is insidious in its un-ending-ness.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

One of those days.

There are days where I want to bash my head in with a bat and I pray for a heart attack to end the ringing. Today was one of those days.

Monday, August 4, 2008

First thing in the am, last thing in the pm.

We have just got back from holidays and my tinnitus is worse than ever! At least I can rule out stress as the major contributing factor. This leads me to the conclusion that it must be caused by damage from exposure to loud noises. Apparently it is important to pinpoint the cause if one is to even begin to look at treatment and, dare I say it, cure!

The insidiousness of this affliction knows no boundaries. We just spent the last two weeks camping in one of our very favourite spots. It was for the most part stress free and very relaxing except for one thing of course. One of the things I loved most about camping and being in the outdoors is the peacefulness and serenity of being in this setting. Sadly that has been ruined by this evil tinnitus. Not only was it with me 24/7 but is was so loud that it woke me up and prevented me from sleeping properly almost every night. As a result I am now feeling physically exhausted. I don't know if it was the serenity of the location or what but it just seemed to get louder and louder and things got quieter and quieter. My family is now used to and accepting of the idea that I need to have a radio on almost constantly when awake. It is one of the only ways I have found thus far to at least help in dulling the ringing. I went fishing with two other guys in one of their boats while away. When we got to our fishing spot and shut down the motor it was sickening to me how loud the ringing was and how quiet everything else was. These two poor guys had to endure me chatting away not knowing that I really wasn't that much of a conversationalist but more wanting something other than the deadly silence to help distract me from the screaming noise in my head. How sad it is when silence has become your enemy.

I'm usually pretty open about this evilness but felt it would mean little to divulge this info to my two fishing mates. Sometimes when describing it I get the puzzled looks like they have no idea what I'm talking about. In general I find that people don't want to hear about your little ailments (not that this is so little.) and to try and fill them in on this one just gets them thinking you are stark raving mad. Noises in your head! Maybe I should watch out for this guy? It's not the same as hearing voices in your head although some days I certainly feel like the ringing is going to drive me completely crazy. Still it is not the same and at least for now I pose no threat of danger to myself or anyone around me as a result of this non-stop screaming in my head. Having said that I still shudder at the idea of living with this for the rest of my life. Not really sure how that will go but don't anticipate it as being pleasurable in any way.

To be fair many people when I tell them about this are sympathetic and as understanding as they can be. I am a firm believer that one can't fully comprehend the effects of this screaming without ever having experienced it. Still that does not mean that people aren't sympathetic or understanding. They are and that is both reassuring and helpful.

So now it would seem the rest is up to me. Enough whining about it now and time to seek out possible remedies etc. If anyone who may happen by here knows of an effective plan I would dearly love to hear about it. I have been researching it but it is hard to conclude what if anything will actually work.

And still the screaming continues. It is the first thing I hear upon waking and the last thing I hear when falling asleep. The truth is that I am probably listening to it in my sleep as it does not come from an outside source but from within. While awake it is with me non-stop and is getting harder to mask with surrounding sounds. As a result of all of this I often fear that I am not up for this battle. Then I look at my friend who is battling cancer with ugly chemo treatments etc. and I am thankful that I am not there. Not to mention inspired to fight my fight with the strength and dignity that he is fighting his.

Wish me luck as I think I will need it. Much as this sounds petty, especially when discussing the big "C", at least there is an end in sight. He is finished his chemo and now, hopefully, will be strategising his full recovery. Mine simply seems to get louder as times go on with no end in sight. Damn it!