Monday, August 4, 2008

First thing in the am, last thing in the pm.

We have just got back from holidays and my tinnitus is worse than ever! At least I can rule out stress as the major contributing factor. This leads me to the conclusion that it must be caused by damage from exposure to loud noises. Apparently it is important to pinpoint the cause if one is to even begin to look at treatment and, dare I say it, cure!

The insidiousness of this affliction knows no boundaries. We just spent the last two weeks camping in one of our very favourite spots. It was for the most part stress free and very relaxing except for one thing of course. One of the things I loved most about camping and being in the outdoors is the peacefulness and serenity of being in this setting. Sadly that has been ruined by this evil tinnitus. Not only was it with me 24/7 but is was so loud that it woke me up and prevented me from sleeping properly almost every night. As a result I am now feeling physically exhausted. I don't know if it was the serenity of the location or what but it just seemed to get louder and louder and things got quieter and quieter. My family is now used to and accepting of the idea that I need to have a radio on almost constantly when awake. It is one of the only ways I have found thus far to at least help in dulling the ringing. I went fishing with two other guys in one of their boats while away. When we got to our fishing spot and shut down the motor it was sickening to me how loud the ringing was and how quiet everything else was. These two poor guys had to endure me chatting away not knowing that I really wasn't that much of a conversationalist but more wanting something other than the deadly silence to help distract me from the screaming noise in my head. How sad it is when silence has become your enemy.

I'm usually pretty open about this evilness but felt it would mean little to divulge this info to my two fishing mates. Sometimes when describing it I get the puzzled looks like they have no idea what I'm talking about. In general I find that people don't want to hear about your little ailments (not that this is so little.) and to try and fill them in on this one just gets them thinking you are stark raving mad. Noises in your head! Maybe I should watch out for this guy? It's not the same as hearing voices in your head although some days I certainly feel like the ringing is going to drive me completely crazy. Still it is not the same and at least for now I pose no threat of danger to myself or anyone around me as a result of this non-stop screaming in my head. Having said that I still shudder at the idea of living with this for the rest of my life. Not really sure how that will go but don't anticipate it as being pleasurable in any way.

To be fair many people when I tell them about this are sympathetic and as understanding as they can be. I am a firm believer that one can't fully comprehend the effects of this screaming without ever having experienced it. Still that does not mean that people aren't sympathetic or understanding. They are and that is both reassuring and helpful.

So now it would seem the rest is up to me. Enough whining about it now and time to seek out possible remedies etc. If anyone who may happen by here knows of an effective plan I would dearly love to hear about it. I have been researching it but it is hard to conclude what if anything will actually work.

And still the screaming continues. It is the first thing I hear upon waking and the last thing I hear when falling asleep. The truth is that I am probably listening to it in my sleep as it does not come from an outside source but from within. While awake it is with me non-stop and is getting harder to mask with surrounding sounds. As a result of all of this I often fear that I am not up for this battle. Then I look at my friend who is battling cancer with ugly chemo treatments etc. and I am thankful that I am not there. Not to mention inspired to fight my fight with the strength and dignity that he is fighting his.

Wish me luck as I think I will need it. Much as this sounds petty, especially when discussing the big "C", at least there is an end in sight. He is finished his chemo and now, hopefully, will be strategising his full recovery. Mine simply seems to get louder as times go on with no end in sight. Damn it!