another one of those nights...

I am feeling sad and withdrawn tonight.

The ringing of course is relentless.

I ripped my knee up playing hockey and was not able to go on an annual winter get away to a friend's cottage as a result. I can't play hockey right now and must find another way to exercise. Physio. Joy!

I seem to be in the dog house yet again. Not sure why, yet again. Probably my fault too.

Work muddles along in no spectacular fashion at all. I often feel completely inept on the job and don't really feel like I am supported by my employer. That despite knowing that he greatly appreciates what little I am able to do.

Did I say that the ringing is relentless.

My hand is STILL healing form "minor" surgery in September!

Our housing situation is no further along.

Going to bed means putting on that bloody CPAP mask and sleeping with a hose attached to my face. Haven't had an uninterrupted sleep since I go this "gold standard" of treatments for apnoea. There is no joy in bed time now. And all this so that I may live to see another day. Thanks a lot.

I am yet again sitting in front of the computer in my office, alone, whining here, doing nothing. Being sad. Being disappointed by my body - feeling that it is somehow letting me down. Frustrated. Angry. Mostly sad and alone.

And all I can hear is the fucking ringing! It must stop. It all must stop. I deserve to and very much need to be happy. I don't know if I can do that with this fucking ringing 24/7. It must stop.

Life sucks.

Things have felt tough lately and today I had kind of an anxiety attack that threw me for a bit of a loop. Sadly it was a familiar feeling; one that I have not felt for many years. I am not too terribly worried that it is anything but an attach under stress and exhaustion.

Exhaustion. That is what brought me here today to begin with. I have not been sleeping well of late and last night was the worst so far. I woke every two hours or less. I tossed and turned all night and did not feel at all rested when I woke for the last time in the morning. There are many factors at play here the least of which is the blasted CPAP mask and noisy machine. Yes a few months ago I was diagnosed with Constructive Sleep Apnoea. This apnoea apparently deprives my heart of needed oxygen while I am sleeping and has been attributed to all sorts of heart disease. The cure is at times much worse than the ailment, at least before it turns into heart disease. LOL The cure is a mask that covers your nostrils and is attached to a long corrugated hose leading to a machine that pumps humidified air into your nose keeping you breathing and your soft palette from collapsing, thus preventing one from breathing. So yah sleeping with an awful mask attached to your face all night is no picnic and I am having a very hard time getting used to it.

Along with that, of course, is my tinittisis. Other than the physical presence of the mask the wringing is the first thing I am conscious of when waking. It is overwhelming and ever-present and I am really not sure if it is the mask or the tinittis that is waking me. Probably it is a combination of both. As if one of these plights isn't enough! It makes me wonder what the hell I did or who I offended to have this befall me. I wouldn't wish this insidiousness on my very worst enemy. Well okay maybe my very worst. ;-)

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will have slept well. Wish me luck as I dread trying to go to sleep with the fear that I will not - again!